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“Dear God, I love & trust in You.
You are the Rock I stand on,
You are my Shield of protection against evil,
You are the Wing I hide beneath,
I am in awe of this world You have spoken into creation.
Great King above all kings clothed in glory & might,
You have my eternal adoration.”
I have done a lot of reading on effective prayer and the thing that stuck with me the most was to always open with praise and worship before making any petitions. That’s what I try to do but I haven’t really read too much about how to address Him when you are angry with Him.
I’m angry with God, with Mark, and especially with myself! Everyone says “Oh Terri, you can’t blame yourself over what you did or didn’t do, what you could have done, should have done and all that guilt you’re laying on yourself isn’t fair to you.”
Logically I know all of this already but my heart and emotions will not let it go!!
It doesn’t help that I miss my husband every minute of every day. He truly was my best friend, the love of my life, and I know it sounds cliche’ but he was my soul mate. The intimacy that we had with each other is very rarely achieved in such a short amount of time. Even though we would have only been married 14 years this year, it felt like the relationship of 40 years instead.
I loved kissing him. Now, every time I look at a picture of him, all I can think about is how I’ll never again be able to kiss those lips and I start crying.
The other night I had a dream (or maybe a visitation from his Spirit) that was so tangible, I had to gasp when I realized it wasn’t real and I wailed like a mad woman for at least 15 minutes.
I was laying in bed, in the same position I would have been had Mark been there. All of the sudden I felt him behind me, pulling me in closer to him like he always did and I began to roll over to kiss him when my hand passed through the thin air and I was startled awake. It was so real!! But it wasn’t and my heart ached all day, wishing I could return to that moment and freeze it in time, remaining there in his arms for eternity.
Life really sucks sometimes and, yes God, I’m mad at you for taking him away from me!! Why did You give him to me in the first place if You weren’t gonna let me keep him?! How could You do this to me when You knew how desperately in love I was with him?
Dear God, I’m mad at You!
Peace and blessings to you all,
Teresa Marie
Mind Explosion 