Continue Home With Me


I adore C.S. Lewis!

My new blog has not taken off too well. ūüė¶

Therefore, I am returning to my first labor of love, “What About God?”

I thank those of you who chose to follow me here and lovingly invite you to follow me back there.

There is a lot of my history on that site and I know with the variety of categories I have, there’s something for everyone.

Please join us at

Peace and blessings,

Teresa Marie

God, Do You Hate Me or Is This My Hell on Earth?

My beloved mother.

It’s been a while since my last post, but life’s been hectic and hell.

At the first part of October, my mother’s friend was supposed to ride to Florida with her to begin her yearly escape from the cold but she got sick and I had the availability to go, so I did.¬† We had a good drive down and fun the time I got to spend with her.¬† She felt bad about leaving before my surgery but the weather was getting too cold to wait much longer.¬† I flew home 4 days later, sorry to leave the warm weather but anxious to get back before Sebastian could miss me too much knowing that he would have an extended period of separation post-surgery.

In one of my last posts, I talked about my pending surgery.¬† These are the pretty pictures.¬† The hand was no big deal, however, the elbow was worse than what I had expected.¬† Of course, had I been able to recuperate normally, it may not have been as bad but that’s not the way it went.

The surgery was on 11/14.¬† I received a message from my brother on 11/16 that they had flown mom home from Florida because her pancreatic cancer had spread to her liver and intestines.¬† She could not drive home because one of the lesions looked like it could rupture at any time and they didn’t want her risking the drive back to Indiana.

When I saw my surgeon on 11/20, I informed him that I was flying to Florida with my son the next day to retrieve mom’s desired possessions and car.¬† To say the least, he wasn’t thrilled.¬† He asked me to try my best to follow his restrictions.¬† I said that probably wasn’t gonna be possible given the task ahead.

Needless to say, it wasn’t.¬† I overtaxed my elbow during the packing and return home.¬† It couldn’t be helped.¬† Then I was in such pain that I babied it too much, for too long.¬† I’m now suffering the consequences.¬† I will have to put a concerted effort into exercising the tendons, muscles and joint if I want to fully straighten my arm again.

Mom died on 12/5, just 2 years and 1 day after dad.¬† After receiving my brother’s message that she was fading, I couldn’t get dressed and out of the house fast enough to get there.¬† My eldest daughter called me with the news that she was gone.¬† I haven’t yet decided if that was a good thing to not have seen her go or not.¬† Time will tell I guess.

Sebastian’s mom, who had been staying with me since my second hip replacement and who thought she was too busy to show up during my recovery to help me also neglected to come to mom’s showing or funeral.¬† So after I returned from the good old Irish wake we had at my younger brother’s house, I came home and packed up everything in her room, then waited.¬† It took her about 4 whole days afterward for her to contact me.¬† She said something about coming home, I calmly told her that she didn’t live here anymore.¬† Through her protests and whines I informed her that she had received numerous warnings over the previous week that she had better be there or I was done with her.¬† She didn’t bother to come to dad’s services nor did she come to Mark’s, whom she always said was the only true dad she ever had, and that was bad enough but she had better be there for mom’s.¬† Then I parted with the statement that I would let her know how to get her stuff and when she grows up enough to put someone else before herself to call me.¬† I haven’t heard from her since.

Since over the last 3 years of my life have I’ve been raked through hell and back, I’m left asking the question, “God, do you hate me or what?”

Peace and blessings,
Teresa Marie

Dear God, I’m Mad at You!

The First Birthday - Peanut Butter Runner
Image from Pinterest

“Dear God, I love & trust in You.
You are the Rock I stand on,
You are my Shield of protection against evil,
You are the Wing I hide beneath,
I am in awe of this world You have spoken into creation.
Great King above all kings clothed in  glory & might,
You have my eternal adoration.”

I have done a lot of reading on effective prayer and the thing that stuck with me the most was to always open with praise and worship before making any petitions.¬† That’s what I try to do but I haven’t really read too much about how to address Him when you are angry with Him.

I’m angry with God, with Mark, and especially with myself!¬† Everyone says “Oh Terri, you can’t blame yourself over what you did or didn’t do, what you could have done, should have done and all that guilt you’re laying on yourself isn’t fair to you.”

Logically I know all of this already but my heart and emotions will not let it go!!

It doesn’t help that I miss my husband every minute of every day.¬† He truly was my best friend, the love of my life, and I know it sounds cliche’ but he was my soul mate.¬† The intimacy that we had with each other is very rarely achieved in such a short amount of time.¬† Even though we would have only been married 14 years this year, it felt like the relationship of 40 years instead.

I loved kissing him.¬† Now, every time I look at a picture of him, all I can think about is how I’ll never again be able to kiss those lips and I start crying.

The other night I had a dream (or maybe a visitation from his Spirit) that was so tangible, I had to gasp when I realized it wasn’t real and I wailed like a mad woman for at least 15 minutes.

I was laying in bed, in the same position I would have been had Mark been there.¬† All of the sudden I felt him behind me, pulling me in closer to him like he always did and I began to roll over to kiss him when my hand passed through the thin air and I was startled awake.¬† It was so real!!¬† But it wasn’t and my heart ached all day, wishing I could return to that moment and freeze it in time, remaining there in his arms for eternity.

Life really sucks sometimes and, yes God, I’m mad at you for taking him away from me!!¬† Why did You give him to me in the first place if You weren’t gonna let me keep him?!¬† How could You do this to me when You knew how desperately in love I was with him?

Dear God, I’m mad at You!

Peace and blessings to you all,
Teresa Marie

More Surgery? Come on!

two person doing surgery inside room
Photo by Vidal Balielo Jr. on

I had an appointment last Monday to see my Orthopedic Surgeon again.  Why?

Because my Neurologist ran some nerve tests on  me and what I had previously thought was neuropathy turned out to be a return of a previous carpal tunnel syndrome condition in both wrists but much more extensive (and could potentially cause permanent damage), and in addition to that I have cubal tunnel syndrome.  I had never heard of that one but I apparently have it in both elbows as well.

Here is what I got from Google on it:

DESCRIPTION.¬†Cubital Tunnel¬†Syndrome is a condition that involves pressure or stretching of the ulnar nerve (also known as the ‚Äúfunny bone‚ÄĚ nerve), which can cause numbness or tingling in the ring and small fingers, pain in the forearm, and/or weakness in the hand.

My whole hands have been going numb on me since before Mark died in Jan.¬† It’s not a pleasant tingle numb either.¬† It starts out usually in the ball of my hand with a sharp, burning numbness that spreads out to the rest of my hand until it hurts so bad that I can’t hold on to anything.¬† That’s especially problematic when I’m driving down the road and both hands go numb all of the sudden.

So I go in on 11/14 to have the right wrist and elbow operated on.  Next comes a splint for a week.

Then we will talk about getting the left side done!

By the time we get all done with my surgeries, I’m gonna look like Frankenstein!!¬† Let’s see:
3 C-sections, 21 stitches in my chin (in 3 layers of 7), 2 hip replacements, now 2 wrists and elbows!

Oh yeah, I also have a pinched nerve in my neck that may have to be addressed at a later date, along with the 3 or 4 degenerating discs at the base of my spine and possible knee replacement surgery as well.

I hope I die before that’s all necessary.

I told God he has way more confidence in my strength, character and faith than I do and I’d really appreciate it if He’d lighten up a little.¬† He didn’t answer me. ūüė¶

God bless and keep you all until next time,
Teresa Marie

P.S.¬† I realize that I still owe you a conclusion to my story on how God always has my back and I promise to finish it but I’ve been a little busy and discouraged and depressed and angry and etc….

God Always Has My Back! A Proven Fact

Before my loving husband, Mark, passed away in January of this year and I had both of my hips replaced (one in January and the other in April), our house had become a disaster zone.¬† I could barely walk and definitely couldn’t stand for very long, therefore, the kitchen was a mess with dirty dishes stacked everywhere.¬† Mark was drinking a lot, every day, and didn’t care much about anything except escaping his pain.¬† The carpet, due to Bass’s Autistic behavioral problems, was always covered with chip or cracker crumbs on top of which he would dump out all of his toys, not to mention pulling out every one of his 50 or more books from the shelves and strewing them out from wall to wall thereby fulfilling his need to see all his stuff at once.

After Mark passed away, Sebastian’s mother’s ex-fiance and uncle volunteered to clean up the house, fix minor things broken (cabinet hinges, door hinges, etc.) eliminating trip hazards for me while I was in the nursing home recuperating and doing physical therapy as well.¬† Bless their hearts, their work was cut out for them.¬† They did the best job they could without being able to open the house up, it was late January after all.

Sebastian’s other grandparents were angels to pitch in the way they did and I will be forever grateful for them!¬† When Mark went into the hospital, they came right away to pick Bass up all the while telling me not to worry about anything, they would keep him as long as I needed them to.¬† That was the first of January.

Prior to that, we had established a pretty nice little routine of him being with us Monday through Friday and then with them Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon.

My first surgery was January 23rd, 2019.¬† I spent 2 weeks after that in a nursing home.¬† I guess most of the time it’s expected to take 3 weeks or more.¬† They laughed when I told them the day I was admitted that I would be¬† leaving in 2 weeks because I had an anxious toddler that needed me home, especially after losing his “daddy” and bestest buddy.

(For those of you who don’t know me, allow me to quickly explain.¬† I have a 5 year old grandson who is autistic, landing mid-spectrum.¬† ¬†Then there is Bass, as we call him for short.¬† We requested his evaluation at 19 months.¬† By the time they actually were able to get him in it was nine months later and 6 months after beginning in-home therapy twice a week.)

(Those evaluating him stated that if we had gotten in when we first requested, the odds were great that autism would have been diagnosed.¬† However, in the three areas tested, he scored 1 over the break, 1 under the break and last of all, a 1 out of 3.¬† They said to bring him back in a year for re-testing if needed.¬† I stated that I wouldn’t be back, glad that we were leaving without any labels attached to him.)

Anyway, true to my word I walked out 2 weeks later to the day.¬† I didn’t do too bad home alone at first.¬† Walking around without a cane, I felt confident in as quick of a recovery for the second hip in roughly 4 or 5 months.

So I starting having Sebastian Saturday morning to Sunday afternoon.  He was so happy to be home with me, even if it was only for a short time.  We continued with this schedule through February, extending visits an hour here and there as we went until he was coming for the full weekend.

However, disaster hit in March.¬† My left hip began causing me a great deal of pain and, just as it had happened with my right one, the socket disintegrated and my bones were clacking off of each other every time I moved.¬† The pain became excruciating…

To be continued tomorrow, I must attend to some things before Bass comes home at 2 PM.

God Bless and keep you all,

Teresa Marie

Government’s Abuse of Entitlements via Mom

i voted sticker lot
Photo by Element5 Digital on

It will take you less than a minute to read this. If you agree, please pass it on. It’s an idea whose time has come to deal with this self-serving situation:¬†
Children of Congress members do not have to pay back their college student loans. 
Staffers of Congress family members are also exempt from having to payback student loans 
Members of Congress can retire at full pay after only one term. 
Members of Congress have exempted themselves from many of the laws they have passed, under which ordinary citizens must live.  For example, they are exempt from any fear of prosecution for sexual harassment. 
And as the latest example, they have exempted themselves from Healthcare Reform, in all of its aspects. 
We must not tolerate an elite class of such people, elected as public servants and then putting themselves above the law. 
I truly don’t care if they are Democrat, Republican, Independent, or whatever. The self-serving must stop.¬†
Governors of 35 states have filed suit against the Federal Government for imposing unlawful burdens upon their states. It only takes 38 (of the 50) States to convene a Constitutional Convention. 
Each person that reads this will forward it on to 10 people, in three days most people in The United States of America will have the message. 
Proposed 28th Amendment to the United States Constitution: 
“Congress shall make no law that applies to the citizens of the United States that does not apply equally to the Senators and/or Representatives; and, Congress shall make no law that applies to the Senators and/or Representatives that does not apply equally to the Citizens of the United States …”¬†



Such Busy Bees

Hello to all of my followers and random readers!

I apologize for not posting sooner but we have been so busy rearranging furniture, packing up the last of Mark’s stuff for his brother, getting Bass back to school and, instead of spring cleaning, we’ve been fall cleaning

We should be done fairly soon and I hope to resume blogging shortly.

A big thanks goes out to my newest followers, hope you enjoy it!

Until next time, may God bless and keep you safely in His arms.


Life Goes on But Can I?

Yes, life does go on whether we want it to or not.¬† I have my days lately that I’m not sure I want to go with it.¬† I know it’s just all part of the grieving process and will eventually go away but it’s the part in between that I’m not handling well at the moment.

I have a MRI scheduled for tomorrow, just as a precaution, looking for any activity showing that I’ve come out of remission.

Stress is one of the worst & most dangerous things for people with MS.¬† I think I qualify for stress overload this year.¬† Here we are at 5 months in and let’s just take a tally:

Jan. 11th, lost my soulmate Mark;

Jan. 17th, funeral services;

Jan. 23rd, total right hip replacement;

February 8th, buried Mark’s ashes;

March 28th, learn that mom (88 w/pancreatic cancer), still in Florida, is in the hospital due to dehydration so bad that my aunt thought she had suffered a stroke.  The hospital kept her there for several days rehydrating & evaluating.  They sent her to a nursing home after release for physical & speech therapy due to lingering effects dehydration but also for pneumonia.

April 3rd, total left hip replacement.

May 12th, lost my balance and fell down in the kitchen landing on my left hip.¬† Didn’t hurt too awfully bad so I figured I was ok as far as injuring my new joint but I did pull the groin muscles pretty good.

May 13th, lost my balance again and fell down in the basement while doing laundry.¬† The good Lord took pity on me and I landed on a 30 gallon trash bag full of Mark’s clothes to be washed, however my confidence was destroyed.¬† I went back to using the walker when I had just begun to walk around the house without assistance.

May 16th, lost my balance in the wet grass, doing a bad Charlie Chaplin imitation, I managed to catch myself without actually falling but I badly pulled the groin muscles on my right side.

Later that day we found out that mom’s cancer has grown and they found a tiny new spot on her liver.

May 17th, visited with neurologist to discuss possible relapse signs that I’ve been experiencing since late Feb. or early March.¬† At first I thought they were just the usual flare-ups, now I’m not so sure.¬† I haven’t relapsed since May of 2005 but the symptoms that I’m dealing with now are not those of my “usual”.

I’m a little scared.¬† I don’t know how I’m gonna handle it if anything happens to mom this soon after Mark or if the news is bad for me.

Thanks for listening!

Peace, love & blessings,

Teresa Marie

Good Memories; Guilt, Regrets & Anger Still There

Family (minus Sara) Christmas 2018 these are our grandchildren 

In my never ending task of clear out Mark’s things. or so it seems, and the thinning out of mine, I came across the little picture album that Shawna gave me when I got home from my first hip replacement.

As I looked through it again, of course, I couldn’t help but to start crying.¬† There was a reason for this meltdown though, I had just realized that Mark wasn’t feeling too well that day and didn’t really want to go.¬† I begged him to do it for me stating that if he wanted to leave sooner than I did he could and I would have one the kids bring Bass & I home later.¬† He made a last, half-hearted protest and then said ok.

God must have been trying to warn me but, as no surprise, I got the message mixed up.¬† I had texted the members of my little family stating that I wanted for us all to get together with during the holidays to take some family pictures in case anything happened to me during surgery.¬† Of course, objecting to my reason for it, they agreed to meet at my son’s house.

I could never have guessed in a million years they would be last pictures taken of Mark.  He was in the hospital within the next couple of days after.

I’m so glad that I talked him into it!¬† We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, leaving me a good last memory of him.

There are still a bunch of emotions that I am having to deal with day in and day out, but I’m getting there.

I thought I wouldn’t ever stop grieving after losing my BFF Penny (3 or 4 years ago) but even as close as we were, it pales in comparison to losing Mark!

I’m still missing you, Babe, daily!

Teresa Marie